Since I last posted, all three children have had strep. I’ve doled out dozens of pills, done—oh, I don’t know—maybe 13 loads of wash, gotten take-out pizza for dinner (I know…BAD), cleaned the bunny’s cage, and shaved my legs. Twice, I think.
I have thought about how I can let me be me. I spent the weekend doing something I love—cooking and baking—simply because I felt like it. Sure, the floors needed a mopping, the toilets a scrubbing, and the old body could have spent several hours at the gym. But being in the kitchen, creating, feeds my soul, so I did it.
(On a side note, spending all that time creating good food also fed my body , and now things are feeling a little tight, so this weekend there will be no kitchenpalooza, bake-fest , or other indulgent food activities. Sorry.)
Perhaps my biggest accomplishment came with the posting of that last blog. I read it and reread it. My “be nice” filter was on big time. Will this hurt anyone’s feelings? Have I said anything in a way that might offend? (I know. It makes me sick to type it out, but these are the sounds in my head). Everything appeared okay, so I hit the post button, feeling good that I got something up on the blog.
Until on my way home, I pictured a line that might be taken wrong by a potential reader. Would misunderstanding ensue? Would someone be mad at me? (Again, I know: sick). Cursing myself and my lily-livered personality, I went into the house, logged on and oh-so-subtly tweaked the sentence. Really—it’s almost exactly the same. You probably couldn’t even find it. It was that little. But I felt better (nicer?).
While being a wimp when I did it, a was proud of the fact that I was aware of how piddly-ass I am: I do care too much what people think, and I don’t like to make waves. I’m recognizing that, and will fess up to the fact that I consciously decided to succumb to that inner voice, rather than just have it sneak up on me unawares. So that's progress.
Well, I’m counting it as a bit of progress. I am focusing on the good, the glass being half full and all that. Baby steps. It’s not a resolution, remember? It’s just trying to get to me. Because really, I am a good person just the way I am. Even if sometimes I don't think so.
Do you have any new accomplishments, awareness or other thoughts you might share in the comments?
Blessings.
2 comments:
Amanda said...
I think filtering is ok, sometimes it's necessary. Another way is to really hone what you are trying to say so that the message is about you and, if confronted with someone's reaction, you can feel confident in knowing that you were in your space, writing about your perspective and that it was intended for that purpose. I can't imagine you ever being intentionally malicious.
christina said...
Thanks Amanda. I think it's a fine line. I have read often about how successful writers have to be completely honest, but I think that can often be hurtful, even if it is completely the writer's perspective.
I'm working on it :-)